The Downfalls and Reality of Social Anxiety

A Feeling of Uneasiness

In my own words, social anxiety is like a never-ending loop of fear, paranoia, mind-racing thoughts, heart-pounding feelings, and emptiness. It exists on its own. Anxiety does not look like the way it feels. My physical appearance looks calm and collected. Yet, on the inside, pure terror. It is as simple as driving in a car. A feeling of uneasiness washes over me, as all of a sudden it feels like everyone is staring, talking about me, just waiting to tear me down. In reality, everyone is going about their day, driving to the store, or going to get food. Meanwhile, I can barely breathe without taking in deep breaths every few minutes, my hands and feet shake uncontrollably, and my lips quiver in fear. This is just a glimpse into what social anxiety is like to me daily. 

By Definition, What is Social Anxiety?

According to ADAA, "The defining feature of social anxiety disorder, also called social phobia, is intense anxiety or fear of being judged, negatively evaluated, or rejected in a social or performance situation." Social Anxiety Disorder, ADAA, Anxiety and Depression Association of America

How Social Anxiety Affects My School Life

In high school, people viewed me as reserved and quiet, which I was. Every day, I left my house no later than 7:20. Ideally, I was always in my car going down my driveway at 7:15. Why? It was my safe time. What I mean by that is it was the time where the school buses had not run yet, there was little traffic, and I could get to school and get in the same parking place like I did every day. Any deviation from this routine and I was panicking. Keep in mind, my house is only 10 minutes or less from the school. 

What's worse is that I used to get to school at 6:40 during my sophomore year because I had just gotten my license and was so nervous about parking, I left almost 2 hours before school even started, which was at 8. And I kept up this routine of arriving at school extra early until the last day of high school. 

In school, in the halls and classrooms, I kept my head down, avoided any area where there were large groups of people, and rarely talked to people throughout the day. I can see how this made me look like I don't want to talk to anyone or hate school, but it is the opposite. I automatically assume people don't want to talk to me, hate me, or are talking about me even if they didn't know me. It was hard because I was stuck in this feeling of loneliness because no one could hear me screaming for help on the inside. Did I smile and seem happy most of the time? Of course. It's easy to mask anxiety after you've been doing it for quite a while. It seems normal and it is just a part of life. 

Downhill from here on out...

I knew it was bad when by the end of senior year, I had only gone to the cafeteria a handful of times. The rest of the time I "had work to do" or "wasn't hungry." Truthfully, I was starving throughout the day and drained of energy. My forefront of anxiety is hiding it through prioritizing schoolwork above anything else. Whenever there was a break or lunch, I sat in the same room every day "doing homework." I mean half the time I really was but definitely not the whole time. Sadly, a lot of my memories or happy moments did not occur in high school as most people and those are times I will never get back.

How I Have Dealt With It

The first time I sought professional help was to my doctor's sophomore or junior year of high school. I simply told her what I was feeling on a daily basis and what I should do. Unfortunately, she did not help or give me the guidance I was looking for, so I searched no further. Fast forward to senior year. One day I just couldn't handle my emotions anymore and went to the school guidance counselor for help. There, I told him everything about how I felt during school and even getting self-conscious when I ate out at restaurants. (Side note: If I am at an open table seated where people can see me, or on the outside of a booth, I instantly feel eyes on me and hear whispers, which causes me to not eat). He reassured me and actually listened. He didn't say "get over it," or "stop thinking too much." Instead, he offered some tips to help me get through the days. 

For one, he told me some breathing exercises to do. The next tip, which I find myself doing on a regular basis, is looking at my surroundings and noting how no one is looking or talking about me. That was and has been the best advice I have ever gotten to this day. Someone who took the time to hear my story and do something about it. If there's one tip I recommend to anyone with anxiety, it's to look around and reassure yourself that no one is looking at you no matter how many times your mind convinces you they are. It's all just a false reality our mind has come up with to cope with these feelings. 

If it wasn't for keeping my blogs somewhat "short," I could have written pages and pages about this topic. There are so many more things I would love to talk about and share with you. There's no amount of words that can truly satisfy the reality of living with anxiety. The best I can do is share my experiences and work little by little to overcome fears. Thank you for taking the time to read this personal point of view and I hope to share more like this in the future.

-Ally

Links: